I was driving home from taking Jonah to work and “Dreamboat Annie” came on the radio. This song reminds me of Zachary since it’s one of his favorite songs, and I bought the vinyl for him a few years ago for Christmas.
This made me text Zachary, just to tell him the song came on and I was thinking of him. Which led to thinking about spending time with him, just the two of us hanging out. And then thinking about how busy he is, how he has a separate life now, and how difficult it would be to be able to pin him down to spend a night chilling with just his mom. This made me a little sad as I thought about it, driving and listening to Heart sing about Dreamboat Annie and missing the days when Zachary and Jonah were always there to hang out with
Which then made me think of my mom, and the times she would reach out to me. Just to say “hi” or to tell me she was thinking about me. And to see if we could just hang out some time. As “Dreamboat Annie” ended I was hit by a wave of nostalgia, regret, and shame. Because on most of those occasions, I was the one who was too busy and couldn’t make the time.
She said to me once, “Someday you’ll understand this feeling, knowing your kids don’t have the time for you anymore. I know it won’t be as bad for you, you’re a better mom than I was and your boys will want you around even as they get older.” She wasn’t wrong. While finding time to hang out with Zachary and Jonah is difficult as they continue along their journey of adulthood, our relationships are good and we eventually find the time to connect.
What had me ugly crying the rest of the way home is remembering this conversation with my mom, and at the time rolling my eyes and thinking her melodramatic. But she was right. In that moment, listening to “Dreamboat Annie” and thinking about Zachary, I felt what she felt. And I was ashamed of myself, complicated relationship or not, that I ever made her feel that way.
Someday, you’ll understand.
If mom had a headstone, this is what it would say.
Tags: family